Few other presidential candidates’ campaign events are as stage-managed as Ted Cruz’s. Fancy backdrops, dozens of volunteers in matching t-shirts to welcome you, well-produced introductory videos and free pocket constitutions are present at nearly every Cruz event in Iowa. And the best piece of campaign chum you’ll find when you go see Cruz in person? The professional children’s coloring book produced by his campaign.

Now, to be clear, I think having a coloring book to hand out to children is actually a good idea for candidates like Cruz who are appealing to the evangelical set. You see lots of families with young kids out at his events, so it makes sense to give something to occupy the little ones while Cruz gives his trademark hour-long, over-the-top orations.

But the coloring book itself? Boy, it’s something else. 30 pages in length and produced by a professional children’s coloring book company, one can only imagine how much money they spent on this. The pictures themselves are, uh, pretty interesting. So let’s take a look at some of the best pages in the Cruz campaign’s coloring book and have some fun adding a little commentary of our own to the illustrations.

 

OK, right off the bat we’re spelling things wrong on the cover.

Cruz coloring book 1

“This Bus Makes Right Turns Only.” So you just drive around in circles then?

Cruz coloring book 2

Looks like the guy is praying as he holds his girlfriend’s hand. Probably asking forgiveness for this lustful sin.

Cruz coloring book 3

Uh oh, careful Ted. There’s that “Change” word conservatives don’t like. “Catalyst” is OK, though, sounds like something is going to explode.

Cruz coloring book 4

Surprised they didn’t all-caps the “under God” part of the pledge here.

Cruz coloring book 5

Whoa, kind of scary.

Cruz coloring book 6

He also celebrates Canadian immigration.

Cruz coloring book 7

And here we see a depiction of Ted Cruz as a child, preparing to become a future maniacal, iron-fisted dictator.

Cruz coloring book 8

Some of these illustrations aren’t doing Cruz any favors – he’s actually slimmer than this in real life.

Cruz coloring book 9

Why are you pointing to YOUR LEFT, TED??? SOCIALIST MUCH???

Cruz coloring book 11

Cruz first met his wife, Heidi, during an arm-wrestling competition, shown here.

Cruz coloring book 10

What… what is even going on in this picture? I suppose it’s nice that he seems to care about the nation’s crumbling infrastructure in this one.

Cruz coloring book 12

Whoa, way too much reading.

Cruz coloring book 15

Answer key on the same page? You teach kids dependency like this early on, they’ll just want “free stuff” from the government.

 

Cruz coloring book 16

“Such as” or “like”? You know Reagan’s dead, right?

Cruz coloring book 17

Connect the dots to discover Hillary Clinton’s real involvement in the Benghazi attacks.

Cruz coloring book 18

Accurately portrays Cruz’s allegiance to the oil industry from his home state.

Cruz coloring book 19

Ted Cruz’s policies would literally lay off or cut the wages of five of these six professions.

Cruz coloring book 20

So tempting…

Cruz coloring book 21

“Crazy” comes to mind…

Cruz coloring book 22

Whoa, that’s some straight-up Illuminati shit right there.

Cruz coloring book 24

Isn’t this a logic analogy, not a math problem? Must be some new Common Core thing.

Cruz coloring book 25

The only thing in those boxes are more coloring books. It is literally the only thing their campaign has spent money on.

Cruz coloring book 26

Alright, his daughters are pretty cute. We’ll end on a nice one.

Cruz coloring book 27

 

by Pat Rynard
Posted 10/1/15

2 thoughts on “We Review Ted Cruz’s Ridiculous Children’s Coloring Book

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *