Governor Terry Branstad sure has gotten unpopular recently. Maybe it’s time for a change. But who should replace him? Hmm, how about…. Iowa native Ashton Kutcher? Sure, why not? Here’s a list of why we think Governor Kutcher would be much, much better than Governor Branstad, in the form of an obvious clickbait article (in reference to Deeth’s most-read post ever):
1. Four words: First Lady Mila Kunis
2. Instead of state tax returns in the form of checks, Iowans are mailed free DVD copies of The Butterfly Effect and Dude, Where’s my Car?
3. Debi Durham is replaced as Economic Development Director by Topher Grace, who really needed a job
4. If Kutcher gets too unpopular while in office, he’ll be swapped out for Charlie Sheen in an ironic twist of fate
5. All state government employees must now wear trucker hats
6. Leadership meetings with Speaker Paulsen and Senator Gronstal take on a more light-hearted tone when they get totally punk’d by Governor Kutcher’s elaborate ruses to make them laugh and encourage bipartisanship
7. Scruffy facial hair is better than a mustache any day
8. Watching Radio Iowa’s Kay Henderson elbow out paparazzi at the Governor’s press conferences to ask a question would be pretty entertaining
9. Encourages tech companies to locate jobs in Iowa by speaking to them in-character as Steve Jobs
10. He would never veto $56 million for education or shut down mental health facilities because he isn’t a cruel, arrogant man whose only remaining mission in life is to destroy government union jobs, and who doesn’t care if that means kicking mentally disabled Iowans out of their care facilities
Now see, wasn’t that fun? Aren’t you glad you clicked on this story? But you know what? I bet more people would like to click on it too. So hit that share button under my name. Yeah, there it is. Go ahead, do it. Click it.
by Pat Rynard