While Iowa Governor Terry Branstad remains officially neutral in the Iowa Caucus, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t spend a lot of time with the candidates and their families. This past week Branstad invited Donald Trump’s son along for his annual hunting fundraiser in Centerville. The business mogul’s son was all too eager to attend, and brought Branstad a gift: a camo “Make America Great Again” hat, which Branstad donned in a picture that made its rounds on the internet.
We thought the hat actually looked pretty good on the Governor. So much so that maybe it’s time Terry Branstad take on more of a Trump-like attitude in his rhetoric, considering his governing style doesn’t seem to be too far different. So below is our suggested speech for a revamped Branstad Condition of the State speech to be delivered this morning:
Good morning, thank you, thank you.
Thank you Madame Speaker, you look great by the way.
I want to thank the people of Iowa who have made me now the longest-serving governor in American history. Isn’t that something? I mean, wow.
And I am doing so great in the polls, so great. Well, in one poll I saw years ago. The ones recently that show my approval tanking are all very dishonest, very dishonest. They’re run by sad, failing companies, but that’s all the media will talk about.
I see Bill Petroski in the press box. Why is he here? What, what’s going on? So dishonest, writes for the failing Des Moines Register. Full of clowns.
Now, I’m here today to speak about the condition of our state. And I have to tell you, we have some big problems. Our State Senate is being run by very stupid people. Just stupid people. The Democrats don’t have it! They don’t!
That Mike Gronstal, he’s so low energy. Very weak, very sad. He stands there on the floor and goes, “blah, blah, blah.” All talk, no action.
And Pam Jochum? I would say I don’t know how you senators can look at her face up there all day, but I won’t, I won’t say it, because I’m a nice person.
So let’s talk about what Terry Branstad is going to do this year.
My first priority is infrastructure improvement in Iowa, specifically finishing and improving Highway 20. We are going to build the greatest highway Western Iowa has ever seen. We’re not extending it to four lanes, we’re extending it to a hundred. We’ll bulldoze whole cities to do it. Webster City? Gone! Correctionville? Gone! Sac City? Gone! And it will be the most luxurious highway in the world! The center line will be pure gold.
And I will make South Dakota pay for it.
Now some of you losers complained about my attempt to privatize the Medicaid system. I’m sorry, but I don’t like people who get sick. I don’t!
And our new healthcare plan is going to be so much better. Sooo much better. It’s a secret right now, but we’re going to come up something so good, so spectacular, it’ll make your head spin.
I’ve also heard that certain people are still unhappy about my vetoes on the school funding compromise. Why? It was a terrible deal, very bad deal. And I know deals. I make the greatest deals. The absolute best. I give corporations tens and hundreds of millions of dollars to bring a handful of jobs to Iowa, with little to no oversight. Isn’t that great? Isn’t that so smart?
And my deal-making last year was so great when I vetoed that hard-fought compromise you dummies came up with. It was so great I lost most of my legislative staff involved in the negotiations and caused a lot of losers to retire, even Speaker Paulsen. I burn the biggest bridges, the biggest. No one burns bridges better than Branstad.
But some of you still complain. Can you believe it? Can you? Very sad!
You’re still not happy with our school funding. Especially the teachers union. Those dopey teachers just want more and more money.
Well I will bomb the shit out of ISEA. We’re going to go in, take their funding and leave.
Don’t worry, though. I’ve come up with a new plan to divert dedicated school funding dollars away to water quality issues.
[Allow time for outburst from Senator Bolkcom, call on security to eject him]
So we’re going to have a great year, Iowa, maybe the best ever. Actually, yes, this will be the greatest year in Iowa history thanks to your Governor Branstad. We are going to win all the time. We are going to win so much, you’re going to get sick of it. In fact, you may get so sick of it that you let the Democrats win in a landslide this November.
Thank you all, and Make Iowa Great Again!
by Pat Rynard