The Republican Bachelor – Who’s In Iowa for the Right Reasons?

Just as the Republican presidential race heats up in Iowa, the state’s own Chris Soules will be ending his much-hyped run on ABC’s The Bachelor. Sorry to disappoint, Democratic ladies, but Chris is a big Republican. He’s already met several of the presidential hopefuls, and Starting Line strongly believes that Chris will publicly endorse in the Iowa Caucus. Don’t discount him as just some reality TV star. He’s the most popular leading man The Bachelor has had in years, particularly in his native Iowa. An endorsement could grab attention from a large base of young people who aren’t typically engaged in politics.

So who could make Chris swoon over their conservative cause? Maybe if we consider each candidate in a light-hearted Bachelor-style, we can get some insight into what Chris’ thinking might be. We rate the candidates’ likelihood of getting an endorsement rose from Chris in the MOST. DRAMATIC. IOWA CAUCUS… EVER.

Scott Walker
Age: 47
Occupation: Governor of Wisconsin

Pros: Scott already won the “First Impression” rose with his well-received speech at Steve King’s forum in January. He has a small lead in the early Iowa polls. He would do well on the home-town visits, and could show Chris around town on his motorcycle. He spent several years of his childhood in Plainview, Iowa, a mere 50 miles from Chris’ home of Arlington.

Cons: Chris is a big Chicago Bears fan – could he get along with the Governor of the Packers’ state? Scott is also extremely divisive thanks to his heavy-handed political tactics. The people of Wisconsin either love him or hate him, to the point where some families don’t even speak to each other anymore. Does Chris – or the country – really want all that drama?

Endorsement Chance: 8 Roses

Chris Christie
Age: 52
Occupation: Governor of New Jersey

Pros: He’s the realest candidate in the race, never afraid to tell it how it is. Christie isn’t in Iowa to make friends, he’s here to win the game. Chris might appreciate Christie’s bluntness after dealing with so many women pretending they’d love to move to Arlington.

Cons: On the other hand, he yells at people a lot and has anger issues. He’s the one you really, really don’t want to cross. His love for cold and calculated retribution sort of freaks out the other candidates. He might close down Iowa’s famous Bridges of Madison County out of habit.

Endorsement Chance: 3 Roses

Mike Huckabee
Age: 59
Occupation: Former Governor of Arkansas

Pros: Big on Jesus and traditional small-town living, Mike’s family values could connect well with Chris. His superior charisma and charm could send Santorum packing if they were both paired up on a two-on-one date with social conservative voters. Mike’s also a big guitar player, so perhaps he could play Chris some of his favorite country songs when seeking his endorsement.

Cons: He very well may be in Iowa for the wrong reasons. After his first presidential run in 2008, Mike got rich and famous with his show on the popular reality TV network known as Fox News. Does he really want to run for president, or is he trying to boost book sales and ratings? He used to be seen as the most honest. Now he’s the most likely candidate to sleep with his makeup on.

Endorsement Chance: 4 Roses

Rick Perry
Age: 64
Occupation: Former Governor of Texas

Pros: Rick’s a man on a mission these days. He knows what he wants out of life as he launches a campaign much more robust than his 2012 bid. A good ole Texas boy, he and Chris could go out to the shooting range together. Rick plays up Texas’ job creation record, so maybe he could bring some new business to Arlington’s empty town square (probably would just build a bunch oil derricks though). He’s also a former border governor, and often touts his stance against illegal immigration from that “Old Mexico” place.

Cons: He now wears “smart glasses,” but Rick kept flubbing his debate lines and came off as a big goof the last time he ran. If the slip-ups happen again, he’s the most likely to distract the debate crowd by falling to the floor and having a fake panic attack.

Endorsement Chance: 7 Roses

Ted Cruz
Age: 44
Occupation: U.S. Senator of Texas

Pros: The Tea Party’s Senator, Ted’s a rowdy guy who loves to buck the establishment. He starts down in the polls and is a long-shot to win, but he’s just the kind of contestant that gets kept around for the entertainment value.

Cons: He can’t get along with the other candidates and is kind of a diva. He sabotages other Republicans’ dates with the voters with filibusters and arcane Senate procedures. Ted also wanted to repeal the Renewable Fuel Standard, which sets corn ethanol mandates. Doing so could bankrupt Chris’ farm, send Iowa’s economy into a tailspin, and run out of a job everyone that Chris knows and loves. So, there’s that…

Endorsement Chance: 1 Rose

Rick Santorum
Age: 56
Occupation: Former Senator of Pennsylvania

Pros: Rick did well on the last Republican Bachelor, and he’s back again in hopes of being Republicans’ true soul mate. He would have no problem moving to Iowa, as he practically lived here during the 2012 Caucus. He may actually know more Iowans than Chris does. And he would happily court Chris’ endorsement on a one-on-one date at Pizza Ranch.

Cons: He can be a little too dull and wonky. Rick’s the kind of candidate who doesn’t get as much screen time because he’s not being overly dramatic. He’s also a self-proclaimed “culture warrior,” and his staunch opposition to common forms of birth control would likely end The Bachelor’s “Fantasy Suites” for good.

Endorsement Chance: 5 Roses

Rand Paul
Age: 52
Occupation: U.S. Senator of Kentucky

Pros: Rand’s never afraid to speak his mind on unpopular issues, but does so in a cool and collected way that eschews the kind of dramatics many fellow libertarians get themselves into. He’s a surprisingly laid-back person who often looks lost in thought, which might appeal to the sensitive Chris. Could he be the “down-to-earth” candidate Chris is looking for?

Cons: He comes off as a little petty as he likes to picks fights with the other candidates on social media. His libertarian views on government could mean an end to many kinds of farm subsidies. He projects a more mainstream image than his kooky father, but make no mistake: many Republicans still see his policy positions as crazier than this season’s Ashley and Kelsey combined.

Endorsement Chance: 3 Roses

Jeb Bush
Age: 62
Occupation: Former Governor of Florida

Pros: Just like Chris, Jeb also works in his own family’s business… though in Jeb’s case, that’s presidential politics. Jeb looks up to his father a lot, and Chris could appreciate that commitment to family. He avoided a majorly awkward situation when fellow establishment-candidate Mitt Romney passed on running.

Cons: If he takes Chris to meet his family in a hometown visit, he may have to hide his younger brother, who has a history of starting fights in the Midwest (or was it the Mid East?). Jeb’s been releasing tons of old emails from when he was governor in an attempt to show transparency. Is that just to soften the blow when a SHOCKING SECRET is revealed about Jeb’s past? Caucus viewers will have to stay tuned.

Endorsement Chance: 5 Roses

Already Eliminated:

Mitt Romney – Poor Mitt. He’s just looking for love, but couldn’t find it in his last two runs for president. He thought seriously about giving it one more shot, but ultimately decided he didn’t want to risk getting hurt again.

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by Pat Rynard
Posted 2/17/15