The Christmas Gifts Voters Should Give Each Candidate

It’s almost Christmas and Starting Line is in the festive mood. The presidential candidates have worked long and hard this year, and perhaps it’s time for the voters to reward them with a gift for the holidays. But what to get each? They almost all are certain to end up on the naughty list for various misdeeds in 2015 (Trump’s done enough to land him there for at least three lifetimes), but that’s alright. Here’s our ideas of the best gifts voters could get each candidate:

Have some ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments section or on our Facebook thread.

Martin O’Malley: A hoverboard, so maybe he can finally catch fire

Ted Cruz: A lump of coal, not so much because he’s been bad, but because he prefers polluting energy to the renewable and clean power that Iowa produces

Bernie Sanders: A copy of Norton Anti-Virus Firewall Protection

Mike Huckabee: A $100 gift card to Target. Should double his fundraising this month

Marco Rubio: A Fitbit Flex. Maybe if he kept track of how few steps he makes on the campaign trail, he’d be motivated to go out and work harder for votes

Jeb Bush: Some slick new threads to match his new swagger level from the debates

Ben Carson: A pack of Redbull so maybe he’ll open his damn eyes for once

Rick Santorum: A nice new sweater vest, I’m starting to get concerned all his old ones from 2012 shrunk in the dryer

Chris Christie: Some toy train sets with lots of bridges he can play with

Hillary Clinton: A lightsaber to beat the shit out of the next male candidate who makes a bathroom joke

John Kasich: Some socks to match voters’ enthusiasm about him

Rand Paul: A little BB-8 droid that follows him around to send back information to the NSA

Carly Fiorina: One of those fancy new digital video recorders so she can shoot her own debunked Planned Parenthood videos

Donald Trump: A swift kick in the schlong for being such a disgusting asshole all the time

And for a few of the candidates no longer with us:

Lindsey Graham: A remote-control drone to annoy Rand Paul with by buzzing it over his head all the time

Jim Webb: A new Apple Watch to tell how much time he’s not getting in the debates now

by Pat Rynard
Posted 12/23/15